


i'm bleeding out.

by lovelyorbent



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Incest, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Sibling Incest, The Drift (Pacific Rim), sort of canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 14:36:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3414341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelyorbent/pseuds/lovelyorbent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>jaeger pilots often die young.  yancy leaves the next person to drift with his brother a series of messages about how to take care of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm bleeding out.

**Author's Note:**

> so i meant to finish the tenth chapter of that other thing but i woke up at four am this morning and this was all i could write, so... feel a little bit bad about writing incest because i know how a lot of people feel about it but i couldn't just ignore the idea i just liked it too much. so to those people, i'm sorry, i hope you didn't click on this fic and aren't reading it.
> 
> also, i will probably never write maleigh out of my shit. that is here to stay no matter who else i'm throwing into the mix
> 
> title from an imagine dragons song of the same title

Mako gets Raleigh's memories in the Drift.

She also gets Yancy's.

Yancy's aren't more interesting--no, Raleigh certainly holds that position; as bright as he shines in her mind even after he ought to be gone from it.  But there's something about them that draws her in the Drift, memories Yancy probably always pushed to the front of his connection with his brother.  Perhaps as if they were ones Raleigh thought of often, but no, something about them is not-Raleigh.  Is firm.  Is caring in a way that Raleigh isn't for himself.  As if they've been marked, dog-eared.

Lovingly.

She's not shocked by their relationship.  Not after so long around knowing that some sibling teams fall into the same trap, although part of her worries, the way one should.  But Yancy and Raleigh are different from those teams; they're from before.  Before the Academy, even.

That's the first memory she gets that tastes like Yancy.  Raleigh with a wide, bright smile on his face, glowing in the sunlight off the snow on the mountain.  With an undercurrent of love and guilt so strong it she nearly goes after the memory.   _God, I'm going to fuck him up, I'm not going to be good enough. Nobody's good enough_.

She sees Raleigh's memories, too, in bright, sharp blue.  But Yancy has made his prominent, although they're hazier, like he's sending a message to his brother; so this is what will come up in the Drift every time Raleigh thinks of him.

The next memory Yancy left for them is of Raleigh again, on Raleigh's seventeenth birthday, watching Night of the Living Dead on the couch with his brother, curled into his side, a bottle of Jack hanging from the fingers of one hand.  Yancy's thoughts are strong: _control control control you're in control don't touch don't touch don't touch you'll fuck him up and he's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen_.  Ends with Raleigh crawling into his lap and kissing him, whiskey on his breath and blood flooding his cheeks, with Yancy liking it.

After that, she gets from Raleigh's memories that Yancy had shoved him away, had walked out of the room, had rasped _I can't_ and just gone, left the movie credits playing on the computer and locked himself in his room.

Raleigh also remembers this: a few days later, begging Yancy to forgive him, slurring his words because he's delirious with lack of sleep.  Yancy pulling him into his chest and saying _oh, kid, no, no, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.  I love you, I love you, I love you_.

On Raleigh's eighteenth birthday Yancy provides the memory of looking across the table at him and thinking, _God, what a beautiful boy_ , and hating himself for it.  To this is attached the thought, which is older than the memory: _I don't hate myself anymore.  I couldn't hate anything more than I love my brother._

Mako knows that almost every culture that has ever existed forbids this, but Yancy looks at his brother like he's the sun, like a precious thing that he can't allow himself to touch or he'll ruin him with the way he is.  It's not a power game. It's not a sex game.  Yancy Becket is in love with his younger brother and everything in him tells him he shouldn't be and he's making them both pay the price because Raleigh's memories of being that old all scream for how much he _wants_ his brother to ruin him.

This memory is Yancy's, but it doesn't feel like Yancy's.  Just feels like something Raleigh hasn't stopped thinking about since he first saw it.  Raleigh is at a bar, too-young and can't pass for older so he orders a coke and goes after pretty girls and Yancy is sitting down the other end of the bar with some Jack in his coke and trying not to think _mine mine mine_ but failing.

The next memory is Yancy through and through, is Raleigh in the shower while Yancy's brushing his teeth, in the Academy, and Yancy is again thinking _beautiful beautiful beautiful_ and Raleigh yanks him in fully clothed and kisses him for the second time, whispering _Please, Yancy_ in between touches,  _Please, I want you_ , and Yancy, helpless to resist and hardly wanting to, tipping his head back and ignoring the water in favor of kissing him into the slick tile wall.

Raleigh thinks of Yancy taking him to bed, asking him four hundred times a minute if _this is okay are you sure should I stop give me something to work with here_ and Raleigh pulling him down by the shoulders, still wet, and saying, _You, Yancy.  I want you_.

Yancy doesn't think of that.  Doesn't bookmark it, at least.  What he does tuck away is letting Raleigh fall asleep against his shoulder afterwards, soft, damp hair drying at a funny angle against his arm.  Of staying awake panicking, of Raleigh waking up and curling closer and saying _Yancy, calm down, I've wanted you since I was sixteen.  Go to sleep.  I don't like it when we switch roles like this, it's weird_.

Mako is not jealous, because Yancy Becket has been dead five years and she is here now and can feel Raleigh gravitating towards her the way she's gravitating towards him: unavoidable, inescapable.  But she is angry that he left this for Raleigh to have to think about.  That Raleigh has to see what he's lost every time he drifts.

After Yamarashi Yancy presses Raleigh into the wall of Gipsy's cockpit and kisses him until he's weak in the knees and red in the face.  It's the first kiss Yancy's ever started; too afraid of pushing Raleigh into this, this thing that they shouldn't do.  Of making him do something he doesn't want.  He's thinking, _beautiful beautiful beautiful you need to tell him he's beautiful because he can't see it on his own_ , he's whispering it into Raleigh's mouth, _God, you're so gorgeous, prettiest damn thing I ever saw, kid_ , and for the first time Mako wonders if these messages are really for Raleigh at all.

Raleigh remembers Yancy sleeping under him at night, soaking up his heat, with his chest rising and falling softly and the lightest of snores emerging from his throat, which Raleigh's cheek is pressed against.  Insomniac that he is, it's this noise that gets him to sleep, the sound of his heartbeat and his snoring and the hum deep in his throat when Raleigh strokes a finger across his collarbone.

Raleigh doesn't panic even when he realizes she's seeing this.  Holds steady. Doesn't chase the RABIT.  He's better than that.  For Mako, it's difficult to let Yancy through her head the way he's flowing in, but it's hard _not_ to let Raleigh in.  She _knows_ Raleigh.  Yancy she only has a file on with DECEASED stamped in red letters across his photograph.  When she feels the beginning of a chase from him, despair that she's going to hate him for this, she just thinks _No_ at him, throws her respect into the stream.  It all takes less than a nanosecond.  Yancy's whole life and all of his messages stream past in a matter of moments, but they seem like ages.

Raleigh remembers Yancy slipping his hands around his waist from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder, in the shadow of Gipsy, laughs at him, twists to look at the edge of his face in profile.  Says, _You wanna get caught or something, old man_? And Yancy presses a kiss over his ear and whispers, _Just hugging you, sweetheart_ , and then sticks his tongue in Raleigh's ear to make him yelp and pulls away to run like hell.

Raleigh's memories of Yancy all feel a little like distance and sadness.  The love isn't gone, but it's no longer the first thing he feels when he sees his brother in the Drift.  Yancy's are all edged in gold.  There's nothing impure about his emotion; he loves his brother so many ways he can't separate them.  Mako's momentary worry that her copilot had been taken advantage of fades in the face of it.

After they almost compromise Gipsy's conn-pod making it back to shore, Yancy pours his mouth down the side of Raleigh's neck and slides his hands down his brother's sides slow and sweet and says, _Stop begging, Raleigh, you never have to beg me for anything, I'm going to give you everything you need, just wait for it_.  And over it he thinks: _kid likes to be touched gentle.  He'll tell you he wants it rough and sometimes he does but you'll know those times.  Other times he says I can take it c'mon don't bother with that and what he means is I think there's something I need to be punished for and you can't let him do that go slow go gentle he's priceless_.  And that's when Mako figures out these messages aren't Raleigh's, they're hers.  They're his next Drift partner's.

Mako doesn't know where her respect for Raleigh and Yancy's love for him and her own little affection begin and end anymore.  She is three people all at once and loves one, loves two, doesn't know who to love.

Raleigh's hair is plastered to his skin, Yancy's hands are slipping on his hips with sweat, he has to bend to avoid hitting his head on the top bunk as he rocks down against Yancy inside him.  His eyes are bright and half-lidded, and Yancy is thinking _beautiful beautiful beautiful_ again, the way he always does, is thinking _I love him I love him I love him I would do anything for him_ , but he's murmuring filth that makes Raleigh quiver and struggle to ride him faster.  It's after Clawhook.  Yancy only ever thinks about Raleigh having another partner after deployments.  She wonders if he meant to leave these messages or if they just burned themselves into his mind and then into Raleigh's.  If Raleigh knew years ago they weren't for him.  The emotion attached to this one--fierce protectiveness--could be taken either way.  Mako knows it's not Yancy's thought, but hers, giving voice to his emotion, but she hears it in his tone nonetheless-- _Bring him home.  Bring him home.  Every time.  Bring him home_.

Raleigh's mind is brightening, it's filling with hope.  She throws all her respect at him again, throws her affection, throws Yancy's love, and he's steady, and she thinks, _Wasn't I supposed to be the unsteady one?_ And feels pride fill her, too.  She doesn't know whose it is.  It could even be Yancy's.  It feels like he's standing right behind her.

After Manila Raleigh and Yancy are out at a shitty dive bar with a hundred jaegerflies and the Hansens, and Raleigh is dancing, with his hands low on a girl's hips and his cheeks flooded with color but he keeps looking back at Yancy, who is not looking at him, but who is thinking _mine_ and then trying to unthink it, because he loves Raleigh with everything he's got, every part of him, but he's his little brother and he can't really be _his_ no matter how many times it flees, guilty, through his mind.  Yancy would give him anything, and if anything is a pretty girl, then Yancy will play good big brother and be Raleigh's wingman.  He thinks, into his odd little bundle of memories for if he ever dies--because Jaeger pilots do that just like everyone else-- _I've spoiled him but I was trying to he deserves to be spoiled he deserves everything don't hold back from him because he'll never hold back from you_.

Raleigh catches her thought that these memories are for her and thinks, somewhat wry, _I think he knew me better than thinking I'd get in a Jaeger without him_.  And Mako says, _He did.  He's here_.  Yancy lives through Knifehead, in the Drift.

There are a few more memories like this, but no more messages.  Most of them are Raleigh smiling, with Yancy's vague feeling of _this is how it should be_ layered over it.

Mako hits the memory of Knifehead and Raleigh is screaming _No_ and Yancy is thinking, _I love you I love you I love you_ but that's quiet, that's always there in the Drift.  He's also thinking, louder, harder: _Take my controls load the plasmacaster blow this bitch out of the water and go home Raleigh go home you can do it I know you can do it best boy I ever met my boy my brother I love you_ and then he's just terrified as he's being ripped from the cockpit and dropping to the water below.

Raleigh's horror and grief jolts her out of the warmth of Yancy's love and onto the streets of Japan, but when Raleigh's shadow steps towards her, a hazy spectre follows him like a halo.

**Author's Note:**

> for anyone who did not catch them because this was confusing and written at four am, the messages were these:
> 
> 1.) tell him he's beautiful  
> 2.) be careful with him  
> 3.) bring him home  
> 4.) don't hold back


End file.
